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08/04/2003: "Trees Are Hard"

We all know that trees are hard and, though our mothers don't give it the same kind of airtime as "fire is hot", it is every bit as important. The realization that trees are hard, and how important that is, has, in the past, come back to me in a rush when I found myself skidding from side to side down a snowpacked, and suddenly polished, piece of road in the heavy woods. But, last Tuesday was July 29, and it was three in the afternoon and sunny, and I was on a mission of mercy. Click more..below to find out if that cuts any ice.

No, it doesn't cut any ice. Trees don't get warm and mushy in the sunshine and, either I pissed the Big Guy off somehow, or he didn't care what kind of mission I was on, because I was all on my own. What happened? Well, I reached into the back seat, routine, something I can do at seventyfive plus on a rush hour expressway, and wondered off what amounts to a half mile gravel driveway, and, at ten miles per hour, dropped off the gravel and side swiped a tree. Though it was a small tree, it took out the entire side of my car - front and back fenders, front and back doors, rearview mirror and the glass in the front passenger door. Ouch! How could that happen? Well, a mental lapse, that's how. It's the same sort of thing that makes a world class chess player blunder and drop a piece, in an otherwise winning position, and blow the game, or causes a punch press operator, after 6000 hours of sucessful operation, to suddenly miss a beat and mutilate his hand, or motivates an aircraft mechanic to mindlessly stroll into a whirling propeller as though he couldn't hear the engine running. You just somehow feel safe and comfortable, subconsiously in between steps, or something, and your mind takes a break.

The truth is, that's what accidents are made of, just mental lapse. If I had been attempting to break my own land speed record back to Chicago, talking on a cell phone, or even running three sheets to the wind, it never would have happened. I forgot, in that moment, that trees are hard and I suppose I could just as easily have forgotten that road construction workers are soft, which is good for fifteen years in Michigan. So, sports fans, what that means is that tough laws and cops make us feel like were proactive about survival, ours and that of others, and nagging our kids makes us feel like we have done all we can to protect them, but, in the final analysis, accidents are completely accidental, read unintentioned, cases of mental lapse. What can we do?

What can you do - get enough sleep, brush your teeth, do your homework, allow extra time? Sorry, there is not a fucking thing you can do about mental lapse except be aware that there is nothing you can do. However, take heart, this awareness can help you in two ways. First, it can help you to avoid feeling safe and comfortable, and that's healthy because your not, at least not when you're out of bed. And second, you can, in good conscience, stop buying into all the stupid things people do, and accept being done, in the name of preventing accidents. What kinds of things?

Well, ask yourself, just for starters, why even winging a road construction worker in Michigan is good for fifteen years in the slammer and a $7500.00 dollar fine. Will fear of the courts keep you from having a mental lapse where the milk of human kindness will not? Sure, until the new wears off. You see, it's the different from routine that counts. Probably, the safest way to drive around town, from a mental lapse perspective, is with a beer between your legs. It will keep your mind frosty because you're watching for cops and the beer, of course, will not impair your ability to drive unless you drink it, and a few others. How long will this "frosty" alertness last? Again, until the new wears off, but you can always renew your alertness, without hurting anyone, by getting caught with the beer between your legs.


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Replies: 1 Comment

The tree that Cliff talks about was named by one of the local residents. The name will be protected.

The tree is now named said @ 10/22/2003 07:29 PM CST