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08/09/2003: "Holy Land"

Are you sick of the Middle East squabble? Stop the feuding, the fussing and the fighting. Something for everyone? Damn straight! Get the secular heads of state on board, then ring the place with U.S. troops and create a theme park called, you guessed it, Holy Land. You can't do that, can you? What about world opinion, and the United Nations? You say, ah, something for everyone? Click more.. below.

Let's face it, most people just want to make a buck and get on with their lives. But, when they look around, they want to see themselves in about the same boat as everybody else. The most basic psychological factor involved is not greed, but the need to belong, to have a piece, to not be a sucker. Milo Minderbinder, of Joseph Heller's Catch 22, taught us that everyone has a share and we have not forgotten. Milo, you'll recall, was paid by the Germans to hire U.S. air crews, along with their B-29s, to bomb their own base. He was only able to do that because everyone had a share.

What about religious fervor, extremists might not care about a share? We simply split everything up on the front end. These guys are political animals. Don't forget, in my scenario U.S. troops have ringed the place, and the United Nations and secular heads of state are, by and large, on board before anything happens. The extremists, in this ground swell, have a political excuse to roll over, and they can simply convert the fervor of their followers to thanksgiving. Extremists, after all, are usually extremists only because they don't have a share, so we give them one, along with a face saving push in the right direction. Who, after all, if they can blame someone else for any problems that might occur, doesn't want this mess resolved? Only those who use the strife to manipulate a political power base. And, we aren't concerned for these peoples feelings. Okay, what do we do?

We, basically, have Holy Land theme park design meetings, in a very official, and very face saving environment, and then simply ignore anyone who doesn't play ball. Oops, missed the deadline. We can blend the stragglers in later. What are they going to do? The Park goes up on schedule, and they are just guys in funny cloths who have a thousand year old hard on and no place to put it. If everyone has a share, nobody cares, so, they work in one of the attractions because they already have a costume. On to the procedures, and some other dry stuff. Here's how it would work.

The United Nations would organize international committees made up of the more extreme religious representatives, the kind that dress in period contume or those that might just as well, with the idea of getting the heavy stuff out on the table at the front end. The purpose of these committees would be to hammer out agreements between sects and splinter groups within the major groups interested in the region/project since no more than three religions would be recognized. These committees would be charged with reaching agreement on the slant and treatment the park would take toward each respective religion's rides and attractions and the degree of holiness and level of reverence various locations and relics should be awarded in the design. Ten days would be allotted for the finalizing of these recommendations. Recommendations not forthcoming within the alloted time would not exist.

These recommendations would then be fed to committees made up of secular representatives organized by national origin. Any nation able to demonstrate a majority of population practicing a participating religion would have voting rights on that religion's line items. Each nation having voting rights would have a number of votes proportional to their nations percentage of the world population of the participating religion. Ten days would then be allotted to review the recommendations and vote by line item. Votes by any national committee on the by line item of recommendations not forthcoming within the alloted time would not exist.

The United Nations would then translate the recommendations into English, tally the line item votes and obtain sign offs on the finished product from the national committee chairmen. Ten days would be allotted for this process. Vote tallys with sign offs by any national committee on the by line item of recommendations not forthcoming within the alloted time would not exist.

The United Nations would then present the final document and tallies to a committee, headed by Dennis Miller, and made up of representatives of the U.S. military, Disney, and DreamWorks SKG. This committee would be allotted ten days to produce a Request for Proposal. Only forty days and forty nights have passed and those among us who believe that no worth while progress has been made, since people herded goats for a living, are set up to turn over their symbols of power to tawdry commercialism. People will dance in the streets, and every one of them will have a share.

Bids come in but, what a suprise, the U.S. military is awarded security, Disney gets construction and the first five years of operations, and Dreamworks does the detail design. Dennis is awarded a fat consulting contract for organizing international spinoffs and disputes resolution. Were they wired from the start? No, they were just the best people for the job. Besides, everyone has a share and the world will be a better place.

Holy Land would exist on three above ground levels, with no one religious group on the same level for any full ride, concessions logistics and security would be below ground. That Walt! Re enactments where your guys win and everyone smiles after the battle; virtual reality stoning, dismemberment or atrocities with no blood and cartoon characters because it's all in fun. Dad, can we have some of those baked potatoes with cheese and stuff?

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