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10/28/2003: "Halloween"

I've always been very into Halloween; maybe it's a Scorpio thing, fall power mixed with spooky. Anyway, I love it. I put together a really killer costume once for a party, and on the way I stopped for cigarettes at a White Hen Pantry. The guy behind the counter was Pakistani and barely spoke English. He had no idea what Halloween was all about. Click more.. below.

I was wearing a full over-the-head rubber mask which Murray's Party Time called "The Mad Scientist," and a lab coat all spattered with blood. I had a pair of stainless-steel handcuffs with one end around my left wrist and the other around a very realistic looking rubber "Dismembered Hand," which was heavy enough to swing realistically when I brandished my machete. In my right hand, I carried a see-through plastic bag, spattered with blood on the inside and containing a lifesize rubber "Dismembered Head."

Yeah baby. Since my hands were full, I pushed the door open with my butt and spun around quickly, hoping for the maximum effect on anyone in the store. Boy, did I get it. I was actually ashamed of what I put the poor counter guy through, but how was I to know he wasn't with the program. After all, it was 8 PM on Halloween night. Anyway, he was alone in the store, this Pakistani counter guy, standing behind the cash register just inside the door. When I spun around, there he was. Just like that.

His face blanched, his eyes bulged, and his teeth looked like they wanted to come completely out of his mouth. He tried to scream, but couldn't get it done, so he jumped to one side with his hands up in front of him like there was some place to go. And, since there wasn't, he went through a full body, bone-wrenching shudder, the like of which I had never seen.

By this time I was as scared as he was. I had never seen anything quite like that, so I dropped my bag with the Dismembered Head and tore off the mask. With this, he fell back against the wall knocking cigarettes, keychains, and candy bars every which way. Now it was my turn to grope for my voice. When I found it, I realized I had no idea what to say. I'm sorry seemed so insignificant. I said, "Newport Kings, softpack."

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