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03/08/2004: "Noodle Madness"

Homemade noodles are fun to make and lead to the kind of hungry people food that has fueled farmhands, lumberjacks, ironworkers, suffragettes, and linemen in snowstorms since our forefathers kicked the last "Red" Indian into the casino business. They aren't pretty and they make a huge mess, but if you're hungry, the kind of hungry you get from skiing, skating, snow shoeing (or shoveling), jogging, hiking, biking or swimming, then a plate or bowl full of homemade noodles with chicken or beef is what you want and what you need. Click more.. below.

Remember, "real" food takes time to make, so if you're not a lumberjack returning to the bunkhouse/cookhouse after a hard day, you're going to have to do a little planning and make this stuff before you get "really hungry," because it's going to take you about half the time you spend parked in front of the computer/TV on the average evening. What? Yes, about three hours from start to finish, but it's worth the investment. If you're single, you can eat some every workout day for two weeks. If you're going to a cold weather cabin somewhere to ski or whatever, you can feed a pretty large crowd for two meals, and be a hero. Anyway, here goes.

If you prefer chicken, buy a six-pound roasting/stewing hen and plunk it in a pot with a lid that's big enough for a comfortable fit. Cover the bird with water; add some salt, ground pepper, and a few pinches of sage. Start this puppy simmering, and we'll get back to it in a couple of hours.

If you prefer beef with your noodles, keep in mind that most of the flavor comes from bones, so buy some clear beef soup bones, or tail sections like you would use for oxtail soup. Tails are usually little more expensive, so let your budget be your guide; either way you'll want to add to the bones/meat enough stew meat to total three to four pounds after cooking. I'm using very rough measurements here because it's difficult to guess what might be available at the store and how much meat will be left after the bones are cooked. It doesn't really matter; you will want some bones for flavor that you will take out later and throw away, and you want to wind up with about three to four pounds of lean beef when it's all over. So, plunk the beef bones with their beef and the extra stew meat into a comfortably sized pot with a lid. Cover the meat with water; add salt and ground pepper and a couple of bay leaves. Start this mixture simmering, and we'll get back to it in a couple of hours.

Now, have a beer and a smoke, clear off the kitchen table and wipe it down, and scrounge up last Sunday's newspaper. We're going to make noodles. If you have a folding plastic drying rack of the type that ladies use to dry hand washed lingerie, you're in luck; if not, you'll need the backs of a few chairs and the edge of the kitchen sink, and/or a piece of sturdy string, strategically strung, to dry your noodles. Remember, where noodles dry, flour accumulates. That's what last Sunday's newspaper is for; make it easy on yourself and spread these newspapers where they will do the most good.

In a mixing bowl, combine four eggs, 1/2-cup milk, 2 tsp. salt, and three pinches of sage. Beat this mixture with a fork and stir in enough of four cups of all-purpose flour to make stiff dough. Let the dough rest for 10 minutes. Sprinkle flour on the dough and on your hands, and separate the dough into four roughly equivalent parts. Now roll each part of dough, using a rolling pin or sturdy glass, into a rectangle roughly 12 by 16 inches. We don't want anything to stick to anything else, so sprinkle flour liberally on everything. I told you it was a mess.

When you have your rectangles, liberally sprinkled with flour, hang them carefully over the back of the chair or whatever for a half-hour or so. Now, it's time to see some noodles. Take the oldest rectangle and put it on a floured cutting board. Roll this rectangle up loosely, and slice noodle stripes 1/4 to 1/2 in. wide. Unroll each strip and hang to dry for one hour. Repeat this process for each of your remaining three rectangles.

If you have done an average amount of drinking, smoking, and resting while making your noodles, (two to three hours) it should be about time to take your simmering meat/bones off the heat to cool. When cool enough to handle, strip the meat off the bones and discard the bones. Strain the broth if it looks like it needs it, and put the meat back into the broth and bring to a boil. You are now going to add the dried noodles to the meat and broth mixture. Add water if necessary. If you add water, taste the result and add salt if necessary. Remember, you will be eating this stuff.

When the broth is boiling and the noodles have dried for at least an hour, a noodle never gets too dry so longer is OK, add the noodles, a few at a time, stirring occasionally, until the last noodle into the pot has had about 15 minutes to cook. Add water if necessary, and season to taste. What you're looking for is a stew like consistency.

Now it's time to clean up the mess. Use a dry paper towel to move flower, and finish up with a damp cloth or sponge.

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