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03/29/2004: "Flipside"

When you buy a new mattress, the manufacturer encourages you to turn and rotate it frequently. This is particularly important when the mattress is new and still "settling." The point, of course, is to distribute the wear evenly. Sounds easy, right? Any idiot can turn a mattress over. Well, a lot of things that are easy for idiots to do are not all that easy for the rest of us. You see, idiots have the advantage of not being very deep thinkers. Click more.. below.

Think about it; see, you're already in trouble. If you want to distribute the wear evenly on a single bed mattress, you just flip it over and spin the head of the mattress to the foot. So, if the mattress is a double, queen, or king size with two sleepers, the only difference is that you have to allow for the varying size of the sleepers. OK, let's call the big one A and the small one B. What we want to do is to turn the mattress over (the most important part of "turning the mattress") and to be sure to put A-the big one's head where B-the small one's feet used to be. The idea here is that the upper body, particularly in men, is a lot heavier than the lower body. How many people have you seen whose calves were bigger than their shoulders?

Now, go into the bedroom. Move all lamps, alarm clocks, ashtrays, and loose change into a far corner of the room, or if necessary into the hallway. Strip the bed. With masking tape and a magic marker, mark each corner of the mattress A head, A foot, and so forth. Next, turn the mattress over. Lift the corner of the mattress nearest to you and check the masking tape. Discuss the necessary movement with your partner, and then together spin the mattress. Again, lift the corner of the mattress nearest to you and check the masking tape. If you have achieved the desired results, put the bedroom back together. If not, you'll probably need a beer and a moment to regroup.

The smartest thing to do, if things aren't working out as expected, is to admit that paper is not as heavy as a mattress and that a little planning is in order. On one side of a sheet of paper write "original side," and mark the corners as you did the mattress. On the other side of the same sheet of paper write "flipside," and mark the corners as before. Light a cigarette, and as you smoke and drink your beer, slowly move the paper as you recall having moved the mattress. "Wait, this can't be done," you say to B-the small one, who walks into the kitchen with notes she has taken from a mattress manufacturer's web site. "Sure it can," she says,"rotate the mattress 90 degrees first; come on!"

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